Secret dating

Secret dating—also referred to in the scientific literature as a secret relationship or secret romance—is a type of romantic relationship in which the partners deliberately attempt to conceal some aspect of their involvement from one or more other people.[1][2] Most couples who keep their relationship secret do so because they anticipate a negative response if others were to discover it.[1][3] Examples include, but are not limited to, same-sex relationships, interracial, intergenerational or interethnic partnerships, workplace romances, and extradyadic (outside-the-primary) involvements.[1][4] Such relationships vary depending on why they are being kept secret, from whom the secret is being concealed, and what the perceived consequences of disclosure might be.[1]

Implications of secret dating

Like other dating strategies that humans have developed, secret dating carries both risks and potential benefits. Evolutionary psychology views human mating behaviour as a flexible repertoire of strategies—short-term and long-term—adapted to solve different challenges.[5] From this perspective, secret dating may serve adaptive functions in some contexts, while also creating vulnerabilities in others.

Potential negative outcomes in the context of romantic secrecy include reduced perceived commitment, lower self-esteem, and increased health complaints such as fatigue or anxiety.[2] However, research also suggests that the effect of secrecy on an individual’s well-being is proportional to the amount of shame associated with it.[6] Secrecy can further limit access to social support, which may exacerbate negative effects when individuals experience discomfort regarding the hidden relationship[4], especially in online contexts, which are notoriously prone to scams, manipulation, or stalking.[7][8][9][10][11]

At the same time, secrecy can provide significant benefits. In certain situations—such as when individuals face social stigma, discrimination, or workplace consequences—concealment can serve as a protective strategy, providing privacy and autonomy and enabling individuals to pursue relationships more safely.[12][13][14][15] Further, empirical findings show that for some individuals secrecy can heighten feelings of excitement acting as a motivation to engage in a relationship.[16] For example, a study of non-monogamous individuals found that “the desire to experience the thrill of the forbidden” was significantly more pronounced in secondary (i.e., more secretive) partnerships than in primary relationships.[17]

The implications of secret dating vary depending on the reasons for concealment, the audiences from whom the relationship is hidden, and the anticipated consequences of disclosure. Secrecy that is short-term or protective may be less harmful, while long-term concealment accompanied by shame tends to undermine personal well-being.

Examples

Cheating

Family disapproval

Other

See also

References

  1. ^ a b c d "Secret Relationships", Encyclopedia of Human Relationships, Thousand Oaks, Calif.: SAGE Publications, 2009, doi:10.4135/9781412958479.n458, ISBN 978-1-4129-5846-2, retrieved 2025-08-15
  2. ^ a b Lehmiller, Justin J. (November 2009). "Secret Romantic Relationships: Consequences for Personal and Relational Well-Being". Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 35 (11): 1452–1466. doi:10.1177/0146167209342594. ISSN 0146-1672. PMID 19713569.
  3. ^ Foster, Craig A.; Foster, Joshua D.; Campbell, W. Keith (2010-10-27). "Are Secret Relationships Hot, Then Not? Romantic Secrecy as a Function of Relationship Duration". The Journal of Social Psychology. 150 (6): 668–688. doi:10.1080/00224540903365547. ISSN 0022-4545. PMID 21166330.
  4. ^ a b Lehmiller, Justin J. (2009-08-27). "Secret Romantic Relationships: Consequences for Personal and Relational Well-Being". Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 35 (11): 1452–1466. doi:10.1177/0146167209342594. ISSN 0146-1672. PMID 19713569.
  5. ^ Buss, David M.; Schmitt, David P. (1993). "Sexual Strategies Theory: An evolutionary perspective on human mating". Psychological Review. 100 (2): 204–232. doi:10.1037/0033-295X.100.2.204. ISSN 1939-1471. PMID 8483982.
  6. ^ Slepian, Michael L.; Kalokerinos, Elise K. (February 2024). "Unlocking the secrets of secrets: How can we learn about experiences that cannot be recreated in the laboratory?". Social and Personality Psychology Compass. 18 (2) e12922. doi:10.1111/spc3.12922. ISSN 1751-9004.
  7. ^ Whitty, Monica T.; Buchanan, Tom (March 2012). "The Online Romance Scam: A Serious Cybercrime". Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking. 15 (3): 181–183. doi:10.1089/cyber.2011.0352. ISSN 2152-2715. PMID 22304401.
  8. ^ Whitty, Monica T (October 2015). "Anatomy of the online dating romance scam". Security Journal. 28 (4): 443–455. doi:10.1057/sj.2012.57. ISSN 0955-1662.
  9. ^ Bilz, Alexander; Shepherd, Lynsay A; Johnson, Graham I (2023-12-31). "Tainted Love: a Systematic Literature Review of Online Romance Scam Research". Interacting with Computers. 35 (6): 773–788. doi:10.1093/iwc/iwad048. ISSN 0953-5438.
  10. ^ Phan, Anh; Seigfried-Spellar, Kathryn; Choo, Kim-Kwang Raymond (2021). "Threaten me softly: A review of potential dating app risks". Computers in Human Behavior Reports. 3 100055. doi:10.1016/j.chbr.2021.100055.
  11. ^ Boudreau, Abbie (2018-07-19). "Dating Scams Flourish Online". CNN. Archived from the original on April 19, 2013. Retrieved 2018-05-07.
  12. ^ Blomqvist, Laura; Csizmazia, Ildiko Eva; Van der Hallen, Ruth (2025). "Self-concealment predicts use of secrecy and attitude toward secrecy, not subjective ability to keep secrets". Current Psychology. 44 (10): 9407–9416. doi:10.1007/s12144-025-07738-7. ISSN 1936-4733. PMC 12144041. PMID 40487231.
  13. ^ Jones, Kristen P.; B. King, Eden (December 19, 2013). "Managing Concealable Stigmas at Work: A Review and Multilevel Model". Journal of Management. doi:10.1177/0149206313515518.
  14. ^ Clair, Judith A.; Beatty, Joy E.; Maclean, Tammy L. (January 2005). "Out of Sight But Not Out of Mind: Managing Invisible Social Identities in the Workplace". Academy of Management Review. 30 (1): 78–95. doi:10.5465/amr.2005.15281431. ISSN 0363-7425.
  15. ^ Chaudoir, Stephenie R.; Fisher, Jeffrey D. (2010). "The disclosure processes model: Understanding disclosure decision making and postdisclosure outcomes among people living with a concealable stigmatized identity". Psychological Bulletin. 136 (2): 236–256. doi:10.1037/a0018193. ISSN 1939-1455. PMC 2922991. PMID 20192562.
  16. ^ Kelberga, Anna (Kelberg); Martinsone, Baiba (2021-11-03). "Differences in Motivation to Engage in Sexual Activity Between People in Monogamous and Non-monogamous Committed Relationships". Frontiers in Psychology. 12 753460. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.753460. ISSN 1664-1078. PMC 8595918. PMID 34803835.
  17. ^ Kelberga (Kelberg), Anna; Martinsone, Baiba (2022-09-21). "Motivation of non-monogamous adults to engage in sex with their different partners". Frontiers in Psychology. 13 961949. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.961949. ISSN 1664-1078. PMC 9533024. PMID 36211920.


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